Desire of saying "I miss you"
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❗ #Emotions posts are very personal and written impulsively to let off steam. Don't judge. Reader discretion is advised.
Today is one of those days, one of those days when I need someone by my side to talk to, to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, because I thought I was feeling better, but it turned out to be just an illusion born from the reflection of the familiar company that accompanied me. And so today on the train I listened to music, I read and I wrote, with an emotional baggage tied to every sentence I typed. Sentimental sphere, “I’m not in the sentimental sphere,” you told me, and neither was I when I replied that the same was true for me. And I believed both of us.
But last night, my feelings won over me, and today is no different. Because last night I processed the fact that that company had come to an end, that today I am alone again and will be alone for about two weeks. And as I came back to this house to look after the cat while my ex is out of town — but this story is not about her — I thought of you. I thought I wanted to write to you “I miss you.” I thought I wanted that train to take me back to you, to your green and brown room, to that bed where we hugged and kissed and lost ourselves in passion. Instead, today I’m here, and I can’t tell you “I miss you.” What do I expect in return? I’d be ridiculous. It puts the other person in a difficult position because you know they don’t miss you, otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation, because they’ve moved on with their life, because you were just a chapter, while you’re still dragging it behind you.
After a year of therapy, I had almost managed to come to terms with loneliness, and now I feel like I’m back to the beginning. Because that brief period with you was so intense that returning to loneliness now feels like a crime punishable by death.
I wonder how you, my ex, managed to never give in to the temptation to write those two words to me, or maybe you did and deleted them before sending them, and so did many other couples who broke up, or unrequited loves. By the way, I don’t fall into either category, which makes it even more appealing.
Yesterday I wrote to you, you replied. I showed you the progress of the book and you asked me what it was about (didn’t you understand that it was about our “story”?). You’re at a festival, and I wished you fun. You replied with a “Thank youuu” followed by our purple heart. Today I wrote to you again. I felt the need to ask how things were going and tell you that now I got flu thanks to you.
You are strong people who don’t give in. But I miss you, though I won’t tell you that.
Post Scriptum: I wanted to take advantage of this emotional moment to move forward with writing the book and tackle the most difficult chapters, that are those in which we met and started talking, but I didn’t have the strength. Instead, I watched some live streams while I finished working on the blog, and it helped me a lot.